Kids on a diet!

My 10-year old did not touch her favorite chilly chicken. When I asked her, the reply was “I am dieting”. My jaws dropped. My husband was equally stunned. For us she is still a little kid, and she is not over weight, her weight is perfect for us, she just looks healthy. However, she thinks she has a tummy to get rid of. I tried my best to take her out of this. I said, “Look, if you diet, you’ll not grow well”, a little dose of fear isn’t that bad either. I said, “See, you’ll not grow up to be a tall girl, your growth will be stunted and your skin will become so bad, your hair will not be silky, you’ll no longer be a pretty girl if you start dieting.

She agreed to eat “next time”. She happily said her brother had told her that she had actually looked thinner after recovering from fever. Her 13 year old brother thinks at a different level. He flexed his muscles and said, “Look I don’t have fat, my muscles are looking good”. He examines his muscles to see if he is going to look like some Hollywood or Bollywood hero with rippling muscles. He wants to get rid of even the smallest amount of fat on his tummy. He showed me the video of a small kid with muscles and said, “Even small kids can develop muscles”. I don’t agree, I said, “This is not the right time to build muscles. Teenagers just need to be healthy and grow well, if you try to lose fat, you’ll not attain your maximum height.” He sure wants to be tall. So he might think about eating well.

I and their father are the only people who seem to want to eat. We are not growing anymore except sideways, but we still eat. I eat each meal as though it is my last meal. Well, kids have a say in that too. My son said to me, “Actually, I think if you lose some more weight, you’ll look younger”. I look at the chilly chicken on my plate and at my husband. My husband assured me, “I don’t care if you are fat, eat well”. How sweet, I thought, but not for long! After a pause he said, “He’s right, you’ll look really younger if you lose some weight!” I will start dieting from tomorrow :-). I am not ready to join the gang yet!

The neglected sibling of a child with ADHD

My daughter was born when my son was three years old. As a newborn she needed a lot of attention and was always in my arms. My son would stand away from me and look at me with confused eyes filled with tears. He didn’t know why he was sad. He refused to talk to me. He was upset. His sad eyes always haunted me and I would handover the baby to my mother or someone else and go to him.

When he started going to school, his teachers would call me to school to say that he was a naughty kid. They said it was perhaps he was getting less attention because of his baby sister. It was not true! They said, the baby would not understand if I spent more time with my son, but he would understand. So, they said, ignore the baby. I was trying to do the balancing job. I soon realized that he needed more attention to finish his homework. When he was in class 4, it was clear that there was a problem. He was diagnosed with ADHD.

When I get back home after work, I would immediately go to my son and help him with his work. He needed all my time and his sister had to content with her grandmother teaching her. Then she started protesting and she became cranky. I realized that she was missing me very much. She was often neglected and we simply hoped she would understand that we need more time with him.

One day while I was teaching my son, she made several attempts to come near me. I asked her to go away because she would distract her brother. Later, when I was free, she came and asked me hopefully, “Can I sit on your lap for a little while?” I was simply shocked. You would not expect a small child of her age to ask her mother’s permission to sit on her lap. This really opened my eyes. Then I started teaching both of them. It is really hard, but she seems happier now. But I must admit that even now my son always gets the lion’s share of our attention.

I am sure parents of all kids with ADHD would experience this. Even without ADHD, sibling rivalry always exists, ADHD only complicates matter further.

The unseen casualty of ADHD

ADD/ADHD is not new to me. After my son was diagnosed, I realized that my brother might have had ADD when he was younger. The only difference in symptoms was that he was not hyperactive. He found it hard to study, how ever he tried. Everyone branded him as a lazy boy.

I think my father suffered the most due to this. He was a teacher in a well known public school. In a middle class family in India, a child’s education matters the most. My father worried about his son’s future. He was confused and couldn’t figure out why his son couldn’t study. Most of the other teachers had their children studying in professional colleges or well known institutes. He perhaps felt left out.

Through my brother’s high school years, I could see a change in my father. He worried a lot and his eyes always wore a sad look. His loud laughter and booming voice was heard less. He simply went into a shell. It affected all of us. When he died of a major heart attack at the age of 50, he was a lot different from the happy person I knew. I am not linking the heart attack to this, but it made him really sad. My brother outgrew his disorder and is doing well now.

Those days no one in India perhaps knew about ADHD/ADD or other learning disorders. Now when I see my husband becoming stressed about our son, I feel I have been through this for a long period, but he is new to ADHD. The feeling is so familiar to me. But our situation is better. We are not blindly fighting an unknown enemy. I always feel I am in control. I have taken up complete responsibility of teaching him and his younger sister. Perhaps somewhere in my mind, I am trying to protect my husband from the stress my father suffered!

Teaching a child with ADHD

My son has just finished his unit tests. I must say I am so relieved that he has scored more than 90% in Maths. But in other subjects his marks are pretty average. But then I didn’t teach him that well. I allowed him to learn on his own. So he’s got between 40%-50% in all papers. But then I feel confident that he would get good marks if I sit with him.

We enjoyed the last two weekends because his unit tests were over. Now the next one is around the corner. So, no more outings for us for the next two weekends. But my son is no longer going for tuitions in the evening. He gets to play every day. Everyone at home including my husband and his parents were against discontinuing his tuitions. They say I cannot manage his studies and that of his sister’s all by myself. But I really want to make this work.

It’s not at all easy. For example, today I reached home by 6.45 pm from office. My son iwatching TV after playing with his friends. Then he takes his own time to drink his milk and eat some snacks. I don’t know how many times I would have called out to him to get his books for studies. He is tinkering with something and then he starts looking for his books. He opens his book at 8.00 pm, finally! He simply stares with his book open. I have to keep reminding him to read. Every instruction should be repeated again and again. He takes four steps forward and takes two steps backward. But then he is still moving forward. If he manages to study two pages today, it’s not a bad day after all!

Parents and stress caused by ADHD

When you have a pre-teen with ADHD, stress is inevitable. In my case, I spend most of my time at home with kids, especially with my pre-teen with ADHD. He needs that extra attention to complete his homework and his studies. This means I have less time for other chores, which get postponed. It also means I have less time to relax and do things I would love to do.

Very often I don’t feel relaxed after a weekend, when I get back to office because I have been trying to revise my son’s lessons, without which he wouldn’t be able to manage. My husband helps me with most of the other chores. We also find that we have less time for each other. Even for those weekend outings, we always think twice, because it might affect my son’s schedule.

Tension brewing in this kind of a situation is common. There are lots of arguments and those fights, which actually have no basis but stress. May be we don’t link all this to ADHD, but I am sure it is.

My pre-teen is over anxious about thieves

My 13-year old is on ADHD medication. Now he has a strange, problem, which I don’t think is related to ADHD or medication. He starts getting tensed by nightfall. The reason, he fears sleeping alone. We somehow pacify him or stay in his room until he falls aleep and then retire to our room. By then we become really tired. Then by midnight he is knocking at our door. However we try to pacify him, he insists on sleeping in our room.

One night, he woke me up and silently signaled to me that there was someone under our bed. I said, no, no one’s there. But he wouldn’t believe. Very reluctantly he looked under the bed. Seeing the fear on his face, I almost expected someone to be there. Then he frantically started opening our wardrobes to check for someone hiding in there, right in the middle of the night. Finally he fell asleep. But then he insisted on sleeping near my husband and held on to him until he fell asleep.

I can’t describe the thoughts that crossed my mind. I was really shaken. I have heard about various disorders that could accompany ADHD. But, his psychiatrist ruled it out. He said, the child would grow out of it. He has had similar fears in the past too and he recovered from that. May be he is a bit too sensitive. I hope he gets over this sooner.

Psychiatrist and your child with ADHD

We paid yet another visit to the psychiatrist before the school reopened. He prescribed Atomoxetine Hydrochloride 18, twice a day. He said it is perfect for his weight (40kg). So far he has been taking only half the dose daily.

I somehow get this feeling that he doesn't understand the human side of ADHD. For him my son is just a kid who needs to take medication. I wonder if all psychiatrists are like this. He said if the kid didn't do well it must be because of low intelligence. I really had to control myself. Perhaps he didn't remember that we had shown him the results of the intelligence test and it was way above normal. The psychiatrist mentioned to me that in spite of being able to concentrate he has scored so well. He said that his actual scores would be higher. And this is not something a psychiatrist should say after treating a child for three years.

It is one week since the school reopened. I am monitoring him carefully for his progress and also growth and any changes in him. He still spends one hour almost everyday searching for his pens or books. He still finds it difficult. His class teacher had said that he has become a laughing stock in the class because when all kids in the class are writing, he would still be searching frantically for his things. I wonder if other kids with ADHD also experience similar difficulties.

A typical frustrating day with ADHD

Some days you simply give up trying. Today was such a day. From morning I have been trying to get my 12-year old son to sit down for studies. I had planned to teach him for a couple of hours a day so that he could catch up with his peers. Some how nothing materialised. He simply didn't respond. He was either dreaming or simply walked around. Most of the time, he was quarrelling with his sister. I had to keep repeating what I said at least four or five times for him to at least look at me. Forget about responding!

Some days are like this. Of course, he is not taking his ADHD medication during these holidays. Now I see that the medication did have some effect unlike what I thought. I wonder if other mothers of kids with ADHD also experience similar problems. Planning to visit his psychiatrist before his school reopens. Let's see what he has to say!

How people perceive kids with ADHD

Most people, including relatives and friends think a kid with ADHD is simply too naughty or lazy. And almost everyone is against medicating the child. My well meaning relatives said that the child had no problem. However, they get irritated by the child's behaviour and he is ridiculed and scolded for something over which he has no control.

People say things like why cant you listen, why cant you arrange things properly, why can't you sit quietly.... They simply fail to understand that these children may need help in keeping books according to timetable or even in packing his stuff. For many, the child simply needs spanking for being lazy. Many relatives have told me that I need to be more strict with my son to make him more desciplined.

Of course it is the parents, especially the mother who is often blamed for the child being different. I have been called to the school to meet the teachers many times because the teachers found that he could not concentrate and was distracting the class too. It's like, you are always on the receiving end and nothing seems to change for you both. I am sure it must be hard for the child too. But being kids they are somehow unable to express themselves like us. They simply can't understand why they are being targetted. But they know that we will take care of them, somehow. How I wish I could live upto that trust.

ADHD - is the psychiatrist helping your child?

I always felt my son's psychiatrist could be more helpful. I am so full of questions when I visit my son's psychiatrist. But then he seems to be only interested in discussing the dose of the drug. He says the child can actually take more. With ADHD, we should be visiting him regularly and discussing the child's progress with him. He is well meaning, but something seems to be lacking in the treatment part.

The treatment does not seem to have helped him. I am not even convinced if I should continue with his treatment. I get the feeling that even psychiatrists do not hace enough enough experience dealing with kids with ADHD. For the last three years my 13- year old son has got only poor grades. His concentration does not seem to have improved. However his activitiy level, such as excessive drumming with his fingers seems to have reduced with medication.

Since his school reopens in June, we have a couple of weeks more to decide on the medication part. May be we will look out for another psychiatrist who would see the child as a person.

No more tuitions-the pushy mom

Today was a typical day. I wanted my son, 13 year old Aditya to study for a couple of hours in the morning as his scores in the previous year were quite low. I wanted him to study from 10.00 to 12.00 in the morning. He went for a swim in the morning, came back, had his break fast and watched TV for a while. I reminded him it was 10.00 am already. He wanted to watch TV for another half an hour. Granted. He takes medication for ADHD and is now on a drug holiday as his school will reopen only in June.

At 10.30, he was irritated and was in no mood to study. Not to mention I was also irritated that every day I have push him so much just to make him sit down and look at his books, even when he has exams. As usual, his books are missing. It's always like this. His books, pens, pencils... always go missing. His teachers tell me that he is a laughing stock in his class as this happens in the class too. In spite of my tidying up his table and book shelf, he is unable to find his book. It is 12.00 noon already! Finally I find the book, which was carelessly tossed in the toys' shelf. Now he opens the book. As usual he dreams a lot, studies a little, that too with constant reminders.

I hate the idea that he has to go for tuitions as he will miss out on games in the evening. So I have stopped the tuitions. And tuitions don't seem to have helped him at all. His father and grand parents think I am making a mistake by not sending him for tuitions.

He needs a lot writing practice and this is the right time for that. I would like to teach him a couple of lessons during his holidays so that it will not be a great burden for him when the school reopens. It's like moving 10 steps and going back 5 steps. That means we are moving forward slowly, but steadily :-).

ADHD, diagnosis and revelation

A hyperactive child does not seem to be any different when he is little. He is just like any other active toddler. May be a bit too active. But you never notice that until he grows older and his peers start beaving like 8-year olds and his physical level of activity is still like that of a 4-year old.

Thats what his paediatrician told me. When he saw my 8-year old son at his clinic, he said that his activity level was much higher than others of his age group.

Psychiatric evaluation revealed that his intelliegence was above normal. We didn't want to give him drugs at that point. So we waited. He was in fifth standard and his grades dropped. I found it hard to digest that a small kid could actually fail in his class tests. But we had hit the wall by then. He simply found it hard to catch up. Thats when we contacted a phychiatrist. He put him on drugs immediatly.

This can be considered a starting point in the lives of two individuals, a mother and her son and their journey of hope and despair- a journey along rough road laden with sharp stones of criticism and slushy patches of guilt. The strong bond between the mother and son and hope and determination help her guide him forward. It's a different path and the obstacles are different and the journey challenging.

I, as his mother, want to do everything I can to make sure that he blooms to his fullest. I would never want to regret that there was something I could do and I didnt give my child a chance. I also do not want his younger sister or his father to be affected. Of course I know that I could ask for help if I wanted to.

Now he is 13 and we are at a critical juncture. And I thought putting my thoughts down would give me more clarity. It would also be good if other parents could connect with my thoughts. Here we go!