The neglected sibling of a child with ADHD

My daughter was born when my son was three years old. As a newborn she needed a lot of attention and was always in my arms. My son would stand away from me and look at me with confused eyes filled with tears. He didn’t know why he was sad. He refused to talk to me. He was upset. His sad eyes always haunted me and I would handover the baby to my mother or someone else and go to him.

When he started going to school, his teachers would call me to school to say that he was a naughty kid. They said it was perhaps he was getting less attention because of his baby sister. It was not true! They said, the baby would not understand if I spent more time with my son, but he would understand. So, they said, ignore the baby. I was trying to do the balancing job. I soon realized that he needed more attention to finish his homework. When he was in class 4, it was clear that there was a problem. He was diagnosed with ADHD.

When I get back home after work, I would immediately go to my son and help him with his work. He needed all my time and his sister had to content with her grandmother teaching her. Then she started protesting and she became cranky. I realized that she was missing me very much. She was often neglected and we simply hoped she would understand that we need more time with him.

One day while I was teaching my son, she made several attempts to come near me. I asked her to go away because she would distract her brother. Later, when I was free, she came and asked me hopefully, “Can I sit on your lap for a little while?” I was simply shocked. You would not expect a small child of her age to ask her mother’s permission to sit on her lap. This really opened my eyes. Then I started teaching both of them. It is really hard, but she seems happier now. But I must admit that even now my son always gets the lion’s share of our attention.

I am sure parents of all kids with ADHD would experience this. Even without ADHD, sibling rivalry always exists, ADHD only complicates matter further.

The unseen casualty of ADHD

ADD/ADHD is not new to me. After my son was diagnosed, I realized that my brother might have had ADD when he was younger. The only difference in symptoms was that he was not hyperactive. He found it hard to study, how ever he tried. Everyone branded him as a lazy boy.

I think my father suffered the most due to this. He was a teacher in a well known public school. In a middle class family in India, a child’s education matters the most. My father worried about his son’s future. He was confused and couldn’t figure out why his son couldn’t study. Most of the other teachers had their children studying in professional colleges or well known institutes. He perhaps felt left out.

Through my brother’s high school years, I could see a change in my father. He worried a lot and his eyes always wore a sad look. His loud laughter and booming voice was heard less. He simply went into a shell. It affected all of us. When he died of a major heart attack at the age of 50, he was a lot different from the happy person I knew. I am not linking the heart attack to this, but it made him really sad. My brother outgrew his disorder and is doing well now.

Those days no one in India perhaps knew about ADHD/ADD or other learning disorders. Now when I see my husband becoming stressed about our son, I feel I have been through this for a long period, but he is new to ADHD. The feeling is so familiar to me. But our situation is better. We are not blindly fighting an unknown enemy. I always feel I am in control. I have taken up complete responsibility of teaching him and his younger sister. Perhaps somewhere in my mind, I am trying to protect my husband from the stress my father suffered!

Teaching a child with ADHD

My son has just finished his unit tests. I must say I am so relieved that he has scored more than 90% in Maths. But in other subjects his marks are pretty average. But then I didn’t teach him that well. I allowed him to learn on his own. So he’s got between 40%-50% in all papers. But then I feel confident that he would get good marks if I sit with him.

We enjoyed the last two weekends because his unit tests were over. Now the next one is around the corner. So, no more outings for us for the next two weekends. But my son is no longer going for tuitions in the evening. He gets to play every day. Everyone at home including my husband and his parents were against discontinuing his tuitions. They say I cannot manage his studies and that of his sister’s all by myself. But I really want to make this work.

It’s not at all easy. For example, today I reached home by 6.45 pm from office. My son iwatching TV after playing with his friends. Then he takes his own time to drink his milk and eat some snacks. I don’t know how many times I would have called out to him to get his books for studies. He is tinkering with something and then he starts looking for his books. He opens his book at 8.00 pm, finally! He simply stares with his book open. I have to keep reminding him to read. Every instruction should be repeated again and again. He takes four steps forward and takes two steps backward. But then he is still moving forward. If he manages to study two pages today, it’s not a bad day after all!